Diets and the time savant

I'm rubbish at many things, like I vacuum around furniture rather than lifting it and I've been known to be tardy at returning borrowed items. However, I have an excellent chronological ability – a superb memory for dates and times and recalling what happened when. For example as a gift to a friend, TKF and I once put together a photo album spanning events over a 5-year period. With perfect clarity I was able to put in chronological order 600 photos - even down to the order in which the photos were taken at each event.

The relevance of this skill to this blog is because of the 'Energy Equation'. It's the e=mc2 of the diet world – kilojoules in versus kilojoules out. (Obviously in order for corporations to make money from magazines… diet books, pills, shakes, thigh masters and hypnosis CDs, thyroid conditions, hormones, metabolisms and big bones get rolled out as reasons women can't lose weight. The 'Energy Equation' doesn't make anyone money you see). Experts including, ahem me, recommend keeping a food diary as a way of making us mini-Einstein's and masters of the Energy Equation.

However, I don't keep a food diary as I'm a time savant. Rainman may have been able to count cards, but I can tell you just about everything I ate and drank and every minute of exercise I've done (or made excuses not to do) in the last week. This skill came into its own last week as I sat on the bus home. I'd been interstate for a week and had worked late which meant there was limited food in the house and I was too tired to cook. The resulting internal dialogue as I tried to calculate my Energy Equation went something like this:

I could get off the bus early and get takeaway chicken and chips - tis OK cos they use free range chicken and chips are 'fat' and absorb less oil.

Should probably try and rustle up something at home as had two big weeks of eating out

Nothing at home, not even for toasted sandwich. Chicken is healthy and need protein, could get chicken without chips.

Don't be stupid, only reason you really want chicken is so you can get chips.

Should ask for smaller serve of chips - know that once they are in my keep I'll eat them all, even if full.

Could douse half of the chips in washing up liquid so inedible?

Waste of chips and chip addiction is such it's possible will try and wipe off.

Must stop being so obsessive about food. If want chips, have chips.

What I have eaten the last week? Probably have room in kilojoule bank for chicken AND chips. [Mental time savant calculations]

Yes! Didn't eat lunch on Tuesday as busy on road. Can have extra chips if want!

So I had my chicken and chips. Of course I ordered the wing piece and didn't eat the skin because both of these things reduce the fat content. I also ate every last chip in the box because I like them... and because I didn't have lunch the previous Tuesday.

Photo Finish: the driver's license diet

My driver's license renewal arrived in the post yesterday and it forced me to confront a life-changing realisation.... I will never look better than I do now. In the past I've opted for the 3-year license on the basis that there is a period in your life where you get better with age. A woman uses her formative adult years to figure out how best to part her hair, which eyebrow shape suits her best, what make-up and hair colours work for her etc. It's the period where you look back at photos and say 'what was I thinking?', the period in your life when your looks are grateful for the passing of time.

Until now. I've now reached the age where it's time to go for the 5-year license. I want to preserve this look and pretend in the years to come that I still look like that. If only NSW offered a 10-year option like Victoria. From this license photo onwards my hair will start to lose its lustre, my collagen will begin to deplete and the the effects of work-related stress will start to show on my face.

I'm therefore on Operation RTA - I've got 2 weeks before my license expires and I refuse to smile awkwardly for that picture until I'm at my best possible. If you've noted the name of this blog you'll know I'm not one for a diet, but this is an emergency. I'm banning skin-sucking sugar (see previous post), cutting back on booze and trying to lose that current extra kilo which I feel is making my face look fat. I did not even go to this much trouble for my sister's recent wedding – but this photo will stare at me every time I got to pay for something in the next five years...it's gotta be good.

If I sound vain, it's nothing compared to my friends who Photoshopped their headshots for their Glastonbury Festival registrations (you know who you are). But photogenicness doesn't have to come from a computer program. Here is the nutrition advice I provided Bride-to-Be sister in the lead up to her big day (and yes, she walked down the aisle spot free)

• As much as possible cut out sugar - that includes fruit, alcohol and refined carbohydrates like white bread. These all have a high glycemic index, which two Aussie studies have found can cause acne. High-GI foods stimulate androgen production (male hormones) and combined with other external factors can cause mini cities to erupt on your face
• Boost your intake of essential fatty acids, found in nuts, fish and avocados. Omega-3s are anti-inflammatory and are great for general skin health, among many other things.
• Eat zinc-rich foods. This mineral is to skin what butterscotch sauce is to sticky date pudding - exactly what it needs. Modern diets are often deficient but you can find zinc in red meat, oysters, nuts and seeds.
  
• And if a pimple does decide to invite itself to your special day? Find a GP who'll give you a cortisone injection - it'll be sayonara spot.
  

Your blogger on the box

Not sure how long these links stay live for but yours truly never stops spreading the word!

http://au.todaytonight.yahoo.com/article/2656948/diet/products-voted-best-dieting
(Click ‘Consumers’ verdict on healthy food’ on the video screen on the right)

In food we trust

Indulge me for a minute while I tell you about my email inbox. Understanding its contents will help you to see how the weight-loss magazine I edit each month is almost a miracle of nature, a beautiful phoenix rising from the ashes of crap I get sent every day.

A snap shot of today:
A VIP invite to the album launch of a washed up ex-soap star
A press release on how a cabbage-rich diet help prevents bladder cancer
Info about 'fabulous' new creams that will rid me of stretch marks and cellulite
Three readers complaining their free pedometer doesn't work
And, er, multiple group emails with my friends regarding important topics such as Macs v PCs, movie castles in England and fake boobs.

Not once have I ever received a press release declaring 'Balanced healthy eating and exercise regime helps people lose weight' or 'The more you exercise the more kilojoules you burn'. Nor do I get free healthy meals prepared for me daily (my rationale being that beauty editors get sent all their products and have endless treatments). And if I get one more email from the Lemon Detox people telling me how nutritionally sound it is (even after I phoned to tell them my views, it's rubbish people!) I may be charged with crimes against Idiot PRs.

Let's not even start on my phone (33 voicemails last week from PRs haranguing me about their product - c'mmon folks, how many products do you see featured in there? We are not of the Magalogue genre). I have a point here other than to vent - it is that you should take everything you read regarding weight-loss, health and fitness with a healthy dose of cynicism. We do. And that's why you won't ever see cabbage diet recipes here or in the pages of my magazine.

Why sweet is sour for your diet

If Donna Hay is the Xenu of my healthy eating regime, than sugar is its Brooke Shields – a traitor to the cause, a threat to my people. (By the way, I can't help the repeated Scientology references. Aliens + spaceships + Tom Cruise = hilarious, even if if is only to me. Sorry)

If I was to live by only one diet tip (which I wouldn't as it would end my career, and not just my blogging one) I would say send sugar to the slammer. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200… or an artificially sweetened alternative on the way. Here's why:

Sugar makes you look old
Says skin guru Dr Nicholas Perricone: 'Sugar is the number one skin enemy. It causes inflammation that destroys our bodies and attaches to collagen, which results in stiff, inflexible, sagging skin. Controlling our blood sugar level and insulin levels will improve our health and give us beautiful, youthful skin.' In summary, sugar = prune face.

Sugar rots our teeth
There is some technicality here (something to do with sugar causing the bacteria which causes tooth decay blah blah, dentist jargon blah). Chicken or the egg stuff really, the fact is sugar will not give you a Hollywood smile. It will send you well on your way to geezer teef and a spot as an extra on Shameless.

Sugar substitutes are worse for your health than sugar
And I'm not evening talking about brain tumour rumours. There's a heaps of research out there (by real scientists… in white lab coats) which shows that using artificial sweeteners may make you fatter than real sugar. PLUS I fail to see how introducing chemicals to ones diet is a healthier option, seems a bit like giving up alcohol for heroin.

Sugar will make you fat
It's energy dense (high calorie) and nutrient poor (no redeeming qualities). In fact, sugar is like that hot boy you fall for, when you know you shouldn't – all flashy and alluring but ultimately bad for you with not much to offer beyond the obvious.

So if you're serious about losing weight but don't want to give up everything you love, my challenge to you would be to cut all forms of sugar (fruit, fizzy drinks, cakes, chocolate, biscuits, wine etc) and keep a couple of other vices instead. I'll almost guarantee you'll drop KGs, and it makes cheese and chips totally allowed!*

*A healthy diet requires everything in moderation, of course, but indulge me for a minute that the river of chocolate at Willy Wonka's factory was actually made of cheese. Heaven.

'What’s a gyme? Ooh, a gyme!'

I’ve been forced to confront a bias. All entries to date have been about food. But just like Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow – diet and exercise are an uber couple, who are meant to be together, no matter how hard people try to split them up.

I love food, food is fun, writing about food makes me happy. Loving exercise is just that little bit harder. For me, exercising is like watching The Simpsons – it’s not until I get into an episode that I remember I quite enjoy it. And like Homer I’m not really a fan of the gyme/gym. Gyms make people think exercise equals an expensive locked-in contract they don’t actually want, sold to them by an excitable 20-something in an outfit made from a patented sports fabric.

But has anyone else noticed that the rate at which these gyms mushroom across the country is equal to the growing ‘obesity crisis’? Could it be that cost per use, these gym contracts work out to about 250 bucks a visit for most people. It seems upon joining, all physical activity ceases, because they tell themselves ‘It’s OK, I go to the gym - I have the backpack to prove it.’

It’s also possible the reason small outlying islands in the Pacific Ocean are about to disappear might have something to do with the fact we get in our cars, drive to an indoor venue and pay to run on a machine. Yes folks, more gyms than ever = fatter population, planet in crisis.

Melissa Sweet, in her book The Big Fat Conspiracy argues this point strongly, linking modern urban planning trends (smaller blocks, no communal spaces for play, lack of public transport etc) with growing obesity rates, especially among children. In short, we’re on a fast track to emulating our US friends - heading out in our SUVs and driving 500 metres to pick up a Big Gulp half litre of soft drink.

Enough of the Morgan Spurlock-style rant - I supposed to be here to make us all feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves and a healthy lifestyle. Which is why I’m saying Death to The Gym! Unless you’re training for a body building contest, there is plenty you can do to stay fit without saving your two dollar coins for a locker. Surfing, running, team sports, tennis and walking will all get you moving.

It’s about finding what works for you and getting as much incidental exercise as possible. My top get-results activity is group training – pick a qualified trainer who mixes resistance training, cardio and core work. You’ll be pushed to your limits, interact with other humans (and not your iPod) and enjoy the great outdoors rather than the hum of a carbon-producing treadmill.

Dietetics & Dianetics

Token Kiwi Friend (TKF, aka known as Penny. See previous post) and I are on a little health kick of sorts. It's the type of plan that involves making deals with ourselves, like 'if I have a low-fat dinner, I'm allowed to have a wee bit naughty dessert.' And yes, I know this is not PC (psychologically correct) diet behaviour, in fact I've just commissioned a story which warned against this very practise. My excuse is I have to live it to know it - so it's all in the name of research.

Now I'm not inclined to promote products, but it must be known that in our quest for the Healthy Eating Higher Ground (also known as 'I can look down my nose at people ordering takeaway food because I love grilled fish'), our bible is the 10-Minute Meals cookbook. And our god is Donna Hay. Now, I don't know anything about this woman (it's possible she uses a full flush when a half will do, or that she double dips at parties) so my worship is on the grounds that her genius in the kitchen exceeds even Mark Darcy's.

TKF and I carefully selected 5 recipes for our weekly menu, wrote the accompanying shopping list, held our heads in shame upon realisation that we lacked most of the so-called 'pantry essentials' (Martha Stewart is rolling in her jail cell) and then purchased said pantry essentials and required ingredients. Now we are the geniuses methinks.

Monday was lamb and pine nut stir-fry, Tuesday we grilled chicken and served it with a mustard dressing, Wednesday...erm, ah, um, I had a cheese platter and at least 3* glasses of wine, plus Turkish toast with Vegemite at 11pm, Thursday was pub dinner and more wine.
*After this point even an accountant loses track.

And that is the end of good news portion of my story. There is redemption though – we have three whole meals waiting in the fridge and pantry for the back on food wagon-ness that will no doubt happen. Most likely on Monday. The better news is TKF and I have inspired two other friends (Phoebe, our blonde friend who doesn't live in the building but comes around a lot. And Henrietta, my colleague formally known as Harriet) to join our 10-Minute Meal Cult. Xenu-Donna would be proud.....