Three stirkes and you're out?

I've eaten THREE 3-course meals over the last THREE days. It's the dieters' triple threat, not to mention the worst nightmare for someone who has a problem saying words beginning in 'th' (which technically would also be correct as the meals were all 'free', too).

Why? I spent two days at Shellharbour on the NSW South Coast on a press trip. Supposedly was about testing out a bush walk to review for my readers, to inspire them to be fit and healthy, but mostly all I did was eat.

After a rough audit of my food choices during this trip (and the third meal at a launch in Sydney. Yet another 3-course meal with matching wines. Yawn – it's a tough life), I'd say I had a 51/49 strike rate – I manage to the right things most of the time... but only just.

I forgo afternoon snacks (tick)
But tend to get carried away with the bread (strike)
The bread at restuarants is so yummy, often some sort of sourdough, triple ground with ancient stones by blonde virgins, (or something similar but which fits on the menu better). It's also served with real butter softened with time and care, rather than a cocktail of chemicals. Having not eaten since lunch in preparation, I'm so low on blood sugar I fail to make the rational assesment of the further three mini-meals I'm about to eat and add a fourth course of bread. The lesson: One piece of bread is enough. You won't go hungry – trust me.

I skip the side sauce (tick)
But inhale every last chip in sight of my plate (strike)
I've posted previously about the devil in the sauce. Or the gravy. Or whatever-the-fancy-French name they've given to their leftover pan juices. I deemed the grain-fed porterhouse was tasty enough without the piped rosette of herbed butter (diet hero) but just can't seem to say no to potato side (loser). I sit in quiet awe of the sentence 'Can I have it with salad instead of the fries' but to date have never been able to utter it. The (not very helpful to your diet) lesson: Chips taste good and are hard to resist.

I drink lots of water (tick)
But it's mostly to rehydrate from the wine (strike)
Food and wine belong together like, er, Madge and Guy don't. There's nothing to really add here except to say that I'm going to try really hard to have two alcohol days in the near furture to make up for it. Hopefully within the next week. The lesson: Wine will not be your best friend in the morning.

I order tea not coffee or hot chocolate (tick)
But don't bother asking for skim milk (strike)
It might seem extreme to be obsessing over a quick flick of the wrist with the milk jug, but as I'd probably consumed 12,000 calories in the previous 3 courses, I need to save calories when I can. The lesson: Add one word – skim – to your order.

To summarise, even at the risk of sounding like I'm jumping on someone else's snappy diet dictum, the French eat 3-course meals pretty much every day and they don't get fat. It involves a complex set of lifestyle choices and I reckon switching to skim milk with my tea and eating fries (duh, they're French) might be a couple of them.

Round the world in 80 meals

Hi there. Remember me? I'm your fearless anti-diet campaigner. Sorry if you've been in a diet twilight zone, either hungry, or eating yourself to death while you wait for my next thrilling installment. I've been on a bit of a world tour and have these blog-worthy observations to make:

I've done a lot of eating since my last post. Pizza mostly. I've eaten Croatian pizza, ready-made Waitrose pizza from the UK and $10 pub pizza at my local.
Conclusion: Pizza is possibly the best food ever invented. There's really nothing you can't put on it and it can be healthy if you make it yourself. Seriously.

I also spent 4 days at a famous Thai health resort where I was offered more food than I'm likely to see in a month back here. Oh the perils of a buffet, even a healthy one. I surprised even myself with my discipline. (Confession: I also enthusiastically ordered the one allowable glass of wine with dinner each night and ate Burger King at the airport before flying home). Despite these small speed humps and the fact I eschewed the menu of physical activities in lieu of lying by the pool and watching Gilmore Girls DVDs in my suite, I left 2kg lighter and felt amazing, glowing and all that.
Conclusion: Eating chef-prepared health food and doing not much is a fabulous way to feel fabulous.

Five days in Dubai left me with a lot to say about incidental exercise. In the time I was there my physical activity consisted of walking from my mate's apartment, to the car, to a seat in a restaurant. Only a jaunt around a shopping mall did anything to raise my heart rate. I doubt I clocked 10,000 steps in total, let alone the recommended one day. Compared to Paris where I walked everywhere, charging up Metro steps and chased pigeons through the park while chanting ooh la la (OK, not really. Just trying to get you in le mood).
Conclusion: Parisian women don't get fat and people in Dubai seem to. Walk when you can.

I did much drinking to complement the eating I was doing. Especially in bonnie Glasgow where the summer light lingers until 11pm in July. I drank what seemed like litres and litres of booze – beer, cider, wine – everything in a glass bigger than my wee head, trying hard to keep up with the locals. I was also informed by my Scotland-dwelling friends that in some parts of Glasgow the male life expectancy is 55.
Conclusion: Drinking to excess will make you feel pretty shabby and is bad for your health.

There is also much to be said about airline food, and none of it relates to health properties. But my final observation is reserved for white bread. When travelling, you'll eat a lot of it.

I've gotta get a message to you

I used to make jokes at a former boyfriend's expense about his culinary skillz (before he was 'former. It's possible these two points are linked). You see he claimed he could cook. And he had five dishes in his repertoire to prove it. The joke? They were all essentially the same thing – mince with onions – but variously labeled as meatballs, tacos, kebabs, bolognese or rissoles. Yes, there were slight variations to each recipe but you can give a dwarf an identifying personality trait and a different-coloured outfit… and he's still just Snow White's man slave. Likewise, meatballs, tacos and rissoles are all mince beef with onions regardless of what you dress them in.

But now I've become a living, breathing Bee Gees song (and no, it's not Tragedy). Rather, I started a joke and now the joke is on me. It occurred to me that just like Mince Meat Man, my so called genius in the kitchen is really just the same dish wearing different outfits. But unlike his pan-fried cow with saturated fat on the side, my 'dish' is rooted in sound nutritional principles and has the potential to free us all from 'what to have for dinner' anxiety.

OK, so here it is – every dish I cook involves as many vegies as possible, together with a lean protein. Oh, and cheese. The variable? My choice of carb.

Take a skinless chicken breast, a selection of your favourite vegies and the all important cheese and you can…

• Top a bit of dough and you've got yourself a pizza
• Mix them with sauce and pasta – buon appettito!
• Slap 'em on a bun and call it a burger
• Stir fry with noodles and break out the chop sticks*
  
• Toss with couscous and pretend it's a salad
• Or roast together in the oven with potatoes and feel like it's 1954*

*Cheese optional

What's funner than pizza? What says 'I eat for pleasure' more than a burger does? Provided the bowl of pasta is not bigger than your head and the cheese doesn't form the bulk of the meal (again, not unheard of for me), all of these dishes are nothin' but healthy. They won't make you fat but they'll keep you stayin' alive. Message received?

(Consider too these other pre-approved options in the protein category: lamb fillet, rump steak, chickpeas, beans, tofu, vegie patties, turkey breast, fish, tuna, salmon.)

BONUS SECTION: Cheese porn
Goat's cheese, blue cheese, parmesan cheese, cheddar cheese, washed rind cheese, aged cheese, brie cheese, grated cheese, sheep's cheese, melted cheese… (sorry it was just emotion, taking me over.)

Like water into wine

I've hit a new low. Or possibly hit on an ingenious new diet tip. TKF and I have taken to drinking water from wine glasses with our dinner. Much like those people who use the plastic replacement cigarettes from Nicroette, we are treating our penchant for wine at night as a psychological issue – that it's habitual rather than a real desire. And yes, just like those people sucking back on plastic toy cigarettes, we look completely ridiculous.

I'm blaming TKF. Her sister-in-law back home in the Kiwi motherland lost 12kg in some miracle amount of time this way. She cut out the booze, tricked herself into thinking she was relaxing with a glass of vino, continued to eat pineapple lumps and other NZ delicacies and the weight just melted off.

Neither TFK or I want to lose weight, we're just in the grip of ' two alcohol-free days a week guilt'. That is, we tend not to have them. (The other reason we've stopped drinking is neither of us is prepared to take off our chic home ensemble of house cardie, house trousers and le Ugh boots to go out and buy a damn bottle). There's no shame in the fact that I like to enjoy a glass of wine with my dinner, it's the best way to enjoy wine. The issue for me has been not being able to enjoy dinner without the wine. Le sigh.

So we sit up at the table of an evening, the finest in home cuisine prepared by moi served with a perfectly chilled glass of tap water from the Warrangamba Dam region. We make lame teatotal jokes that we could 'be wild and have the whole bottle!', and when we feel like a 'red', we pour it straight from the tap rather than have it chilled from the fridge. As I said, we've hit a new low.

But I've had three alcohol-free days in a row this week (possibly a personal record) but I can't say I feel any better or worse for it. However, this could be because I have a vested interest in this experiment failing miserably given aforementioned interest in wine (yes, I may once have escaped from the Golden Door Health Retreat in a covert operation to go buy wine and cheese). But I have saved myself from un-tolled empty calories and that, my friends, is the point (kind of).

Why a hot body is an environmental crusade

The environment has been front of mind the last few days. It's mostly because the June editions of the major women's monthlies are starting to appear. And as is usual, one or two roll out token 'Green' issues (probably printed on an endangered forest, coated with extra toxic chemicals so the pages are glossy enough to make the slave labour clothing look pretty on its pages) to time with World Environment Day on June 5. 

One editor is honest enough to admit the inherent contradictions of a fashion magazine doing a green issue... before presenting us with two generic-looking fashion shoots in America. Clearly the snow and sky in this part of the world weren't generic looking enough, so it was deemed good for the green issue to burn shitloads of carbon by flying a fashion team to the other side of the world to shoot 12 pages. I'll hop off my soapbox now because hypocrisy runs far and wide, but just saying that is all.  

Oh yeah, back to diets. It's not often pointed out that a healthy diet is also one that is environmentally friendly. Here's why:

Over-reliance on any one type of crop/fish/meat isn't the key to sustainability - so eating a range of fresh foods (ie a balanced diet) is good for the planet, as well as your bikini plans. 

Processed foods require, well, processing. Adding salt, trans fats, sugar, colourings, flavourings and artificial sweeteners takes lots of fuel to run factories. Putting newly flavoured food in pretty packaging uses more carbon and natural resources. Taking processed food from packages and putting it in your mouth puts dimples on your thighs and jelly on your belly. 

As the anti-Atkins brigade and the Queen of Carbs I'm happy to announce that a high protein diet is an environmental no-no. According to The Vegetarians*, nasty cows and sheep produce nasty methane which is creating a nasty big whole in the ozone layer and killing us all. On top of that it seems those who grow cows are 'Wallys with Water' - taking the prize for the biggest water users in the country. 

(*The Vegetarians - a bit like Scientologists, just not as well funded and in the case of Andrew G with worse hair. And before you think I'm one of their kind let me share my favourite vegetarian anecdote: a vegetarian friend trying to tell me the reason I was well-endowed and she wasn't was because I ate lots of hormone-filled chicken during puberty and she didn't. Of course I promptly told her (and her leather shoes) that all Australian chicken is hormone-free, and has been since the 1960s, before explaining how it is chicken fillets can really turn Flattie Fran into Hootie McBoob.  

Once again, I digress. So how to be a Goddess in a bikini AND an environmental crusader:

• Eat widely, choosing a range of foods, including meats, fish, chicken, legumes, fruit, vegtables and grains. 
• Eat as close to nature as possible – if the nutrition label reads like a pharmacy then it's not natural. In fact, having a label in the first place is a good indication of human interference level. 
• Walk everywhere you need to go. Cars = carbon emissions. Foot power = buns of steel and killer calves. 
• And lastly, you could try eating lots of chicken. I hear it can give you massive cans.

Posted by Busty St Clair

Words can only hurt you if you try to read them

I caught Miranda Kerr on TV more times than I would care to in the last week. And in between reminding us how much we need David Jones in our life, Miss Kerr explained that she was going to write a book on nutrition. Because she, like, studied nutrition. Um when? Reading the fat and calorie panel on everything you eat does not a nutritionist maketh. Why do models like Miranda think they need to do more than look purty. It's bad enough too many of them turn to acting - now we have to deal with a new slashy, the model/nutrition expert. 

The Miranda Kerr Centre For Modules Who Want To Eat Good and Do Other Stuff Good Too

Lesson One

"She wants to give weight to the theory of food combining'

Like, not eating carbs and protein together because our bodies can't process this stuff all at once. Never mind that many healthy foods (which Ms Miranda would probably advocate in her nutrition tome) like chickpeas, nuts and wholegrain bread contain both protein and carbs. This crackpot theory is as old as the hills (some say it has its origins with religious zealots in the 1850s) but it's crazier than even fundamentalist religion. Kookier that, dare I say it, Scientology. Meanwhile thanks to Miranda, the concept secured umpteenth column inches and air time on all networks. Way to go all you investigatory journalists.  

Lesson 2 

'You can change even the structure of your cells with your mind,'' she attests. ``It is such a powerful tool.'

Well I'm no scientist (in fact at school I chose the science unit called 'Machines' which involved making Lego that moved with battery power) but I'm pretty sure that listed among the things the mind is capable of, altering cells is not high up there. The food combining palava is quaint, to talk of shit like this is just embarrassing. 

Lesson 3

'The book should be beautiful and be something that every girl wants to keep, like a beautifully embossed diary'

Like, yeah, I mean, how are the kids supposed to learn if they can't carry a book that matches their outfit? The book has to be at least three times prettier than this! Actually, probably the one good idea she has - will help distract from the made up dribble contained inside its cover. 

Miranda dear - stop wondering if there is more to life other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? It's enough for you. No truly, it is. As for the rest of us, when you're looking for information on nutrition, turn to people who have been to university, rather than appeared in an ad at a bus stop outside of one. 

Diets and the time savant

I'm rubbish at many things, like I vacuum around furniture rather than lifting it and I've been known to be tardy at returning borrowed items. However, I have an excellent chronological ability – a superb memory for dates and times and recalling what happened when. For example as a gift to a friend, TKF and I once put together a photo album spanning events over a 5-year period. With perfect clarity I was able to put in chronological order 600 photos - even down to the order in which the photos were taken at each event.

The relevance of this skill to this blog is because of the 'Energy Equation'. It's the e=mc2 of the diet world – kilojoules in versus kilojoules out. (Obviously in order for corporations to make money from magazines… diet books, pills, shakes, thigh masters and hypnosis CDs, thyroid conditions, hormones, metabolisms and big bones get rolled out as reasons women can't lose weight. The 'Energy Equation' doesn't make anyone money you see). Experts including, ahem me, recommend keeping a food diary as a way of making us mini-Einstein's and masters of the Energy Equation.

However, I don't keep a food diary as I'm a time savant. Rainman may have been able to count cards, but I can tell you just about everything I ate and drank and every minute of exercise I've done (or made excuses not to do) in the last week. This skill came into its own last week as I sat on the bus home. I'd been interstate for a week and had worked late which meant there was limited food in the house and I was too tired to cook. The resulting internal dialogue as I tried to calculate my Energy Equation went something like this:

I could get off the bus early and get takeaway chicken and chips - tis OK cos they use free range chicken and chips are 'fat' and absorb less oil.

Should probably try and rustle up something at home as had two big weeks of eating out

Nothing at home, not even for toasted sandwich. Chicken is healthy and need protein, could get chicken without chips.

Don't be stupid, only reason you really want chicken is so you can get chips.

Should ask for smaller serve of chips - know that once they are in my keep I'll eat them all, even if full.

Could douse half of the chips in washing up liquid so inedible?

Waste of chips and chip addiction is such it's possible will try and wipe off.

Must stop being so obsessive about food. If want chips, have chips.

What I have eaten the last week? Probably have room in kilojoule bank for chicken AND chips. [Mental time savant calculations]

Yes! Didn't eat lunch on Tuesday as busy on road. Can have extra chips if want!

So I had my chicken and chips. Of course I ordered the wing piece and didn't eat the skin because both of these things reduce the fat content. I also ate every last chip in the box because I like them... and because I didn't have lunch the previous Tuesday.

Photo Finish: the driver's license diet

My driver's license renewal arrived in the post yesterday and it forced me to confront a life-changing realisation.... I will never look better than I do now. In the past I've opted for the 3-year license on the basis that there is a period in your life where you get better with age. A woman uses her formative adult years to figure out how best to part her hair, which eyebrow shape suits her best, what make-up and hair colours work for her etc. It's the period where you look back at photos and say 'what was I thinking?', the period in your life when your looks are grateful for the passing of time.

Until now. I've now reached the age where it's time to go for the 5-year license. I want to preserve this look and pretend in the years to come that I still look like that. If only NSW offered a 10-year option like Victoria. From this license photo onwards my hair will start to lose its lustre, my collagen will begin to deplete and the the effects of work-related stress will start to show on my face.

I'm therefore on Operation RTA - I've got 2 weeks before my license expires and I refuse to smile awkwardly for that picture until I'm at my best possible. If you've noted the name of this blog you'll know I'm not one for a diet, but this is an emergency. I'm banning skin-sucking sugar (see previous post), cutting back on booze and trying to lose that current extra kilo which I feel is making my face look fat. I did not even go to this much trouble for my sister's recent wedding – but this photo will stare at me every time I got to pay for something in the next five years...it's gotta be good.

If I sound vain, it's nothing compared to my friends who Photoshopped their headshots for their Glastonbury Festival registrations (you know who you are). But photogenicness doesn't have to come from a computer program. Here is the nutrition advice I provided Bride-to-Be sister in the lead up to her big day (and yes, she walked down the aisle spot free)

• As much as possible cut out sugar - that includes fruit, alcohol and refined carbohydrates like white bread. These all have a high glycemic index, which two Aussie studies have found can cause acne. High-GI foods stimulate androgen production (male hormones) and combined with other external factors can cause mini cities to erupt on your face
• Boost your intake of essential fatty acids, found in nuts, fish and avocados. Omega-3s are anti-inflammatory and are great for general skin health, among many other things.
• Eat zinc-rich foods. This mineral is to skin what butterscotch sauce is to sticky date pudding - exactly what it needs. Modern diets are often deficient but you can find zinc in red meat, oysters, nuts and seeds.
  
• And if a pimple does decide to invite itself to your special day? Find a GP who'll give you a cortisone injection - it'll be sayonara spot.
  

Your blogger on the box

Not sure how long these links stay live for but yours truly never stops spreading the word!

http://au.todaytonight.yahoo.com/article/2656948/diet/products-voted-best-dieting
(Click ‘Consumers’ verdict on healthy food’ on the video screen on the right)

In food we trust

Indulge me for a minute while I tell you about my email inbox. Understanding its contents will help you to see how the weight-loss magazine I edit each month is almost a miracle of nature, a beautiful phoenix rising from the ashes of crap I get sent every day.

A snap shot of today:
A VIP invite to the album launch of a washed up ex-soap star
A press release on how a cabbage-rich diet help prevents bladder cancer
Info about 'fabulous' new creams that will rid me of stretch marks and cellulite
Three readers complaining their free pedometer doesn't work
And, er, multiple group emails with my friends regarding important topics such as Macs v PCs, movie castles in England and fake boobs.

Not once have I ever received a press release declaring 'Balanced healthy eating and exercise regime helps people lose weight' or 'The more you exercise the more kilojoules you burn'. Nor do I get free healthy meals prepared for me daily (my rationale being that beauty editors get sent all their products and have endless treatments). And if I get one more email from the Lemon Detox people telling me how nutritionally sound it is (even after I phoned to tell them my views, it's rubbish people!) I may be charged with crimes against Idiot PRs.

Let's not even start on my phone (33 voicemails last week from PRs haranguing me about their product - c'mmon folks, how many products do you see featured in there? We are not of the Magalogue genre). I have a point here other than to vent - it is that you should take everything you read regarding weight-loss, health and fitness with a healthy dose of cynicism. We do. And that's why you won't ever see cabbage diet recipes here or in the pages of my magazine.

Why sweet is sour for your diet

If Donna Hay is the Xenu of my healthy eating regime, than sugar is its Brooke Shields – a traitor to the cause, a threat to my people. (By the way, I can't help the repeated Scientology references. Aliens + spaceships + Tom Cruise = hilarious, even if if is only to me. Sorry)

If I was to live by only one diet tip (which I wouldn't as it would end my career, and not just my blogging one) I would say send sugar to the slammer. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200… or an artificially sweetened alternative on the way. Here's why:

Sugar makes you look old
Says skin guru Dr Nicholas Perricone: 'Sugar is the number one skin enemy. It causes inflammation that destroys our bodies and attaches to collagen, which results in stiff, inflexible, sagging skin. Controlling our blood sugar level and insulin levels will improve our health and give us beautiful, youthful skin.' In summary, sugar = prune face.

Sugar rots our teeth
There is some technicality here (something to do with sugar causing the bacteria which causes tooth decay blah blah, dentist jargon blah). Chicken or the egg stuff really, the fact is sugar will not give you a Hollywood smile. It will send you well on your way to geezer teef and a spot as an extra on Shameless.

Sugar substitutes are worse for your health than sugar
And I'm not evening talking about brain tumour rumours. There's a heaps of research out there (by real scientists… in white lab coats) which shows that using artificial sweeteners may make you fatter than real sugar. PLUS I fail to see how introducing chemicals to ones diet is a healthier option, seems a bit like giving up alcohol for heroin.

Sugar will make you fat
It's energy dense (high calorie) and nutrient poor (no redeeming qualities). In fact, sugar is like that hot boy you fall for, when you know you shouldn't – all flashy and alluring but ultimately bad for you with not much to offer beyond the obvious.

So if you're serious about losing weight but don't want to give up everything you love, my challenge to you would be to cut all forms of sugar (fruit, fizzy drinks, cakes, chocolate, biscuits, wine etc) and keep a couple of other vices instead. I'll almost guarantee you'll drop KGs, and it makes cheese and chips totally allowed!*

*A healthy diet requires everything in moderation, of course, but indulge me for a minute that the river of chocolate at Willy Wonka's factory was actually made of cheese. Heaven.

'What’s a gyme? Ooh, a gyme!'

I’ve been forced to confront a bias. All entries to date have been about food. But just like Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow – diet and exercise are an uber couple, who are meant to be together, no matter how hard people try to split them up.

I love food, food is fun, writing about food makes me happy. Loving exercise is just that little bit harder. For me, exercising is like watching The Simpsons – it’s not until I get into an episode that I remember I quite enjoy it. And like Homer I’m not really a fan of the gyme/gym. Gyms make people think exercise equals an expensive locked-in contract they don’t actually want, sold to them by an excitable 20-something in an outfit made from a patented sports fabric.

But has anyone else noticed that the rate at which these gyms mushroom across the country is equal to the growing ‘obesity crisis’? Could it be that cost per use, these gym contracts work out to about 250 bucks a visit for most people. It seems upon joining, all physical activity ceases, because they tell themselves ‘It’s OK, I go to the gym - I have the backpack to prove it.’

It’s also possible the reason small outlying islands in the Pacific Ocean are about to disappear might have something to do with the fact we get in our cars, drive to an indoor venue and pay to run on a machine. Yes folks, more gyms than ever = fatter population, planet in crisis.

Melissa Sweet, in her book The Big Fat Conspiracy argues this point strongly, linking modern urban planning trends (smaller blocks, no communal spaces for play, lack of public transport etc) with growing obesity rates, especially among children. In short, we’re on a fast track to emulating our US friends - heading out in our SUVs and driving 500 metres to pick up a Big Gulp half litre of soft drink.

Enough of the Morgan Spurlock-style rant - I supposed to be here to make us all feel warm and fuzzy about ourselves and a healthy lifestyle. Which is why I’m saying Death to The Gym! Unless you’re training for a body building contest, there is plenty you can do to stay fit without saving your two dollar coins for a locker. Surfing, running, team sports, tennis and walking will all get you moving.

It’s about finding what works for you and getting as much incidental exercise as possible. My top get-results activity is group training – pick a qualified trainer who mixes resistance training, cardio and core work. You’ll be pushed to your limits, interact with other humans (and not your iPod) and enjoy the great outdoors rather than the hum of a carbon-producing treadmill.

Dietetics & Dianetics

Token Kiwi Friend (TKF, aka known as Penny. See previous post) and I are on a little health kick of sorts. It's the type of plan that involves making deals with ourselves, like 'if I have a low-fat dinner, I'm allowed to have a wee bit naughty dessert.' And yes, I know this is not PC (psychologically correct) diet behaviour, in fact I've just commissioned a story which warned against this very practise. My excuse is I have to live it to know it - so it's all in the name of research.

Now I'm not inclined to promote products, but it must be known that in our quest for the Healthy Eating Higher Ground (also known as 'I can look down my nose at people ordering takeaway food because I love grilled fish'), our bible is the 10-Minute Meals cookbook. And our god is Donna Hay. Now, I don't know anything about this woman (it's possible she uses a full flush when a half will do, or that she double dips at parties) so my worship is on the grounds that her genius in the kitchen exceeds even Mark Darcy's.

TKF and I carefully selected 5 recipes for our weekly menu, wrote the accompanying shopping list, held our heads in shame upon realisation that we lacked most of the so-called 'pantry essentials' (Martha Stewart is rolling in her jail cell) and then purchased said pantry essentials and required ingredients. Now we are the geniuses methinks.

Monday was lamb and pine nut stir-fry, Tuesday we grilled chicken and served it with a mustard dressing, Wednesday...erm, ah, um, I had a cheese platter and at least 3* glasses of wine, plus Turkish toast with Vegemite at 11pm, Thursday was pub dinner and more wine.
*After this point even an accountant loses track.

And that is the end of good news portion of my story. There is redemption though – we have three whole meals waiting in the fridge and pantry for the back on food wagon-ness that will no doubt happen. Most likely on Monday. The better news is TKF and I have inspired two other friends (Phoebe, our blonde friend who doesn't live in the building but comes around a lot. And Henrietta, my colleague formally known as Harriet) to join our 10-Minute Meal Cult. Xenu-Donna would be proud.....

The are three types of food in this world...

Forget the five food groups, learn these three new groups if you'd rather send the needle on the scales west.

Group 1: Foodstuffs that should never have low-fat versions....
Chocolate Typically chocolate is made low-fat by taking out the stuff that's good for you (antioxidant-rich cocoa) and adding truckloads of sugar to make it taste less like the sole of your shoe. Stick to the best, most rich chocolate you can find and have just a little bit of it.*
Chips Amusingly chip (crisp) packets now advertise '25% less saturated FAT!' This inspires hilarity because they're still mega high in fat, and 75% of the saturated fat still lives in the crunchy, salty grooves of each chip. Of course plain popcorn and pita crisps are lower lipid options, and there is some variance in even the full-fat varieties (crinkle cut v straight cut, Kettle v Smiths etc) but if you're going to salt it up, don't expect to lose weight but eat the real thing because the the low-fat versions taste like crap.

Group 2: Things we eat which are SOMETIMES ok low-fat
Cheese Gasp! I may be expelled from the Church of Cheese for this one but I have to admit I have a packet of reduced-fat tasty in my fridge. If I'm 'eating' the cheese, as a meal for example (not unheard of), then it's triple brie all the way. But if I'm topping a healthy-homemade pizza or burger then extracting a bit of the fat never hurt anyone.
Ice-cream I've spent some time researching this one and can happily report there are some low-fat ice-creams that don't resemble frosty skim milk. (FYI Bulla Light and Cadbury Light recently got the Slimming & Health thumbs up). The low-fat version is great for smoothies and for topping with Ice Magic as a feel-good treat. Of course nothing can beat a velvety smooth scoop of Sara Lee vanilla, just ask your thighs.

Group 3: Low-fat goodies that taste just as good as the lard-laden version
Milk My stomach revolts at the thought of ingesting a full-fat milk. I actually prefer a semi-skimmed milk (that's 2% for the Napoleon Dynamite fans out there) and the skimmed stuff (zilch fat) is perfectly palatable.
Bacon The low-fat versions (Weight Watchers, Hans and Primo all make good ones) mean you can taste the salty, smokey flavour rather than just fat.

So there you have it folks, some lovely low(er)-fat goodies you can happily pop in your trolley that taste like real food and not your newspaper.

*Excludes Mrs McEvoy's Mars Bar slice. That stuff is like crack - once you start, there's no "yeah, I'll just have a little bit.' Save for very special occasions. The Mars Bar slice that is, not the crack… say no to drugs kiddies.

Finding your diet style

A friend of mine suggested the name for this blog - Diet Another Day. Let's call her Mrs McAvoy – because she loves James McAvoy and she's getting married. Not to James McAvoy, but to her lovely boyfriend MC Pedro. Mrs Mac also makes the best Mars Bar slice ever, you'd sell your grandmother for its crunchy choc goodness… but enough of the food porn.

I have portion control envy when it comes to Mrs McAvoy. I've eaten with her many times (often during the aforementioned Gilmore Girls marathons) and she eats slowly and carefully and always leaves food her plate. I suffer from the food equivalent of Bangkok Eyes, where I eat everything in sight of my plate whether I want it or not. But just like some us can rock high waisted pants, while others (like me) cannot, there is a Daily Diet style for everyone – because it's calories in versus calories out and it don't matter when you eat 'em.

1 The Square (Era of origin: 1980s)
Unlike fingerless gloves and stonewash denim, it's OK to keep this fashion from the 1980s. It's about three square meals a day, plus the odd snack here and there. Squarey wakes up hungry, has a solid lunch that keeps her full to dinner, at which time she's happy to chow down on a big bowl of pasta because she knows the 'no carbs after 6pm' rule is bollocks. Our Square friend saves calories because her appetite-busting lunch means she isn't beating down the vending machine at 3.09pm (the most common time arvo snack cravings hit, according to research). Plus Ms Square's evening couch time doesn't equal munch time.

2 The Grazer (Era of origin: 1990s)
Breakfast? Maybe if she feels like it. Dinner happens if she's out with friends but she'll eat half and still have room for some choc hobnobs during So You Think You Can Dance. When supermodels came out in the 90s saying they ate six small meals and drank 34 litres of water a day, it was OK for all of us to do it (we conveniently ignored they probably kept trim because of a white powder diet). But the real-life Grazey Daisy gets full easily and this is why it works - she's never tempted to overindulge on anything, good or bad. She's the smart friend who doesn't inhale the chips and dips, only to be too full for mains. She also has generally has a balanced diet because she'll graze on a variety of foods.

3 The Schemer (Era of origin: 2000s)
My sister, the bride-to-be (BTB) eats like a Queen. Her husband-to-be (HTB) happens to cook like Neil Perry and Jamie Oliver combined, and does so most nights of the week. Rather than feel guilty about it/deny herself/get fat, BTB chooses to hit the gym (remember when the only exercise we did was a Jane Fonda video) four mornings a week to burn it all away. BTB is also a chocolate addict. So, the second part of her scheme is she stocks up on the good gear because typically you eat less of a 70%+ chocolate. And with more antioxidants (which we discovered recently are good for pretty much everything) the good quality stuff is better for you. (Down the Lindt with a glass of red for added benefit.)

The lesson? If high waisted pants don't look good on you, don't wear them. If you're not going to exercise, eat less. If you have portion-control issues, don't snack between meals.

How to find body enlightenment in a Patrick Swayze movie

My friend Kashia is Penny and I’m Baby. At least that’s what we’ve decided following a recent screening of the cult classic Dirty Dancing. As with all movies of this genre (where you leave mentally scheduling salsa lessons only to forget about it the next day), Dirty Dancing leaves you fantasising over the fit physiques and toned bodies of its stars – and we’re not talking about Patrick Swayze.

Kashia and I didn’t have to argue about which body we’d get to ‘have’. She’s tall and athletic and I’m petite and lean – so it was sorted, she could be dance-anista Penny and I’d be the oh-so-cute Baby. Sure, we’d eaten a hot dog and a box of popcorn each during the screening but we rationalised that if we ate less and moved more (genius, no?) that it is within the realms of possibility that we could look like these screen goddesses.

Previously our body icons have been Katherine Heigl (her) and Jennifer Aniston (me). Now if you’re starting to think we’re a wee bit loco (superficial, yes, crazy not so much), then you’ve missed the fabulous good news story in this for all of us. In this crazy messed up world of warped body image and negative eating patterns, we’ve managed to recognise the thing that can liberate women from a love/hate relationship with her body – we come in all shapes and sizes. With such radicalism I’m practically the Che Guvera of the weight-loss world. I can rattle off 30 celebrities that have great bodies, with not one having the same proportions, measurements, size or body shape.

My very crude analysis is taken to all sorts of new levels by something as credible as science. My petite frame, that can gain and lose weight quickly, build muscle easily and has broad swimmer shoulders? Well, I’m a mesomorph. Which is fortunate as the endomorphs have a much tougher time of it – if you’ve heard a friend complaining she’s not dropped an inch even after thrice weekly gym sessions, chances are these are her people.

Traditional Indian natural medicine, or Ayurveda, has a view of its own. We’re either a Pitta, Kapa or Vata – each with their own tendencies towards weight gain. Dress-for-you-shape gurus Trinny & Susannah are less interested in why you look like you do, and more concerned with making your body look its best, courtesy of their BBC corporate credit card. In their most recent book, The Body Shape Bible, these lasses manage to identify 12 different body shapes – and being a ‘cello’ isn’t as bad as it sounds.

But back to Penny and Baby. My ‘we all look different and that’s a good thing’ thesis has helped me accept I’ll never ‘wear’ clothes like Kate Moss does (memo to Calvin Klein: women have boobs), or ‘have legs up to here’ like Elle Machpherson. But it’s OK because there are plenty of oh-so-hot celeb bodies that I can healthily aspire to without the need for rib removal or leg lengthening implants. Kylie Minogue, Sarah Jessica Parker, Eva Longoria and my old friend Jennifer Aniston are all sexy women rocking the five foot and a few inches club.

Of course with my previously mentioned movie watching/popcorn eating habits, I don’t have the fabulous body of any of them. But for the other 80% of the time I spend on the healthy eating and exercise bandwagon, I can be motivated in a not-too-messed-up fashion that my shape can be hot and if I go to the gym and put down the hot dog, then it’s there within my reach. Meanwhile, it’s been almost a week since Kashia and I made our Dirty Dancing declarations – and of course we’ve not been near a dance class or done a single sit up between us…. we’re without a Patrick Swayze type you see.

Five diet tips you won't read anywhere else

They're not PC and they're not the cornerstones of healthy eating. But these are my diet quirks* and I'm sticking by them…
*Said quirks form part of my overall healthy eating regime of a mandatory breakfast, lots of low-GI carbs, lean protein and vegetables where ever possible. OK, disclaimer bit done.

1. Eat takeaway food only when drunk. Or hungover
Fast food has the nutritional value of a lead pencil – and tastes only marginally better – but when you've had a few bevvies, which I'm aware isn't a healthy habit either, it is somehow acceptable to chow down on a burger. The reason this is good for your waistline? It makes it all too easy to walk past these grease traps the rest of the time. As soon as you ban something, you only want it more (even the experts agree with that). Allow fast food on special occasions and you don't want it as much as you think.

2. When eating solo, it's gotta be healthy. When with friends, chips are a health food
Vegetables, wholemeal sandwiches, low-fat pastas and salads = All by myself. Chips, cheese, Peanut Butter M&M's = Gilmore Girls marathons, movie screenings and girlie weekends away. My maths isn't great so it gives an easy-to-remind-myself framework to the 80/20 rule. Eating healthy food is good for your, er, health. But having fun with food and friends is good for the soul.

3. Say sayonara to sauces
I like a good $7 pub steak more than most. And I'm prepared to bare the disapproving looks from bar staff and friends when I choose the reject complimentary sauces on offer: mushroom, rosemary & garlic or pepper? No thanks. I like to savour the flavour of the beef, I love to mop up the juices with my chips and I'm more than happy to forego the unknown amount of fat hidden in these faux gravies... mostly because it makes me feel less guilty about the chips. 

4. There's something to the concept of forbidden fruit

I don't like fruit. I can't explain my aversion to it but I don't like it whole, peeled, dried, baked in muffins or pulped into juice. But I can justify my boycott because fruit is full of sugar - and before you say it, there is no such thing as 'good sugar'. When I see people with juices the size of their heads, it makes me chuckle inside. A health drink? Pah. They've squeezed the goodness out and are drinking liquid sugar. Have some vegetables instead.

5. Exercising means you can eat more

Yeah it's good for your heart and your bones blah blah blah. True yes, but a solid exercise session means the row of dark chocolate you had at 4pm won't take up residence on your hips. A crude approach perhaps, but useful motivation all the same.